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  CM 00/01

Parenting School


Do you think you're ready to start a family and take care of a child? Can you cope with the pressure? Want to know what's install for you? Dream on .....

1)
Women : to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the pharmacy, open your wallet at the counter and tell the assistant to help himself. Then go to the supermarket and arrange to have your salary paid directly to the head office.

2)
To find out how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing 4~5 kilos. At 10pm, put the bag down, set alarm for midnight and go to bed. Get up at midnight and walk around with the bag till 1am. Set alarm for 3am. Get up at 3am, sing songs in the dark until 4am. Set alarm for 5am. get up make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

3)
Hollow out a melon and make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it side to side. Get a bowl of cereal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon. Continue until half of the cereal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap. You're now ready to feed a 12-month old baby. To prepare for toddlers, smear peanut butter on the sofa and jam on the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo/TV and leave it for a few months.

4)
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First, buy an octopus and a bag. Attempt to put the octopus in the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed : all morning.

5)
Buy a Volvo/BMW (or any expensive car). Here's how to make it look like an authentic family car. Buy a chocolate ice-cream and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Jam a coin into the cassette player. Mash a few chocolate biscuits down the back seats. Run a rake along both sides of the car. Wet the front and back seats with milk. There, perfect.

6)
Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door, walk down the front path and come in again. Repeat it 3 times. Then walk slowly along the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect every cigarette end, piece of chewing gum, dirty tissue, pebbles and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream 'Don't touch that!' and 'Put that down!' a couple of times till the neighbours come out. You're now ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

7)
Learn the names of every cartoon character from Teletubbies to Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing tunes from Sesame Street in the bath, you qualify as a parent.

8)
Go to the supermarket with a fully grown goat. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Do your shopping without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy.

9)
Always repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

10)
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience and how they allow their children to run riot. Suggest ways to improve manners and behaviour. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you have all the answers.

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